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Now to the topic at hand. I have done the friends with benefits thing a few times and like a few of my learned friends, it has not ended up well. In fact one became so attached to me that she went full-blown bunny-boiler on me when I started seeing someone else "seriously", despite the fact that we had laid and repeated the ground-rules from the start.
I'd love to have a FWB right now. I am at the stage in my life where I am looking to find the person I would like to grow old with, however I am picky and just refuse to "settle". So, unless I am sure that it will only be a casual thing, I am taking my time and making sure I want to start something with someone before I jump in the sack with her. Yeah, you read right. Scarecrow has a moral or two. However the down-side is that the only action Little Scarecrow gets at the moment is from his best mate - Me.
So a FWB would really take the edge off, so to speak. But once bitten, twice shy, so I can't see that happening anytime soon. Mark, so sad to read about the death of the woman you loved.
I would like to make a respectful suggestion, though. Although you are obviously still grieving the loss of your mate, you would do yourself a disservice to push away other women who might want a relationship with you. You have to move on. I realise it is a cliche, but any woman who loved you would have wanted you to move on. In my opinion a good FWB is like a friend of a friend of a friend you see semi-regularly at parties.
Ck, no one could have said it better. I am truly astonished at how hard it is to find a man who is willing to be involved with no strings. Isn't that how the stereotype goes? I have always found that one week into it begins the constant phone calls and text messages and then the sincere hurt when their feelings are not returned..
Even when you are upfront about only wanting physical satisfaction out of your arrangement, their emotional attachment seems inevitable. People may say that 'friends with benefits' is an idealistic way of looking at casual sex, but I am a firm believer. I don't know when or with whom I will find this happiness, but I for one will definately keep searching. It also helps to avoid attachement if there is an underlying reason as to why you wouldnt work as a couple. Can't say I've ever found myself subject to the mental complexities of friends with benefits - am quite good friends with two gents whom I have excellent intercourse with, and if they were to pair off, the friendship is such that we would still be in quite regular contact, despite the secret knowledge that I know their orgasm face, and vice versa.
This has been an interesting column. I think that the communication thing is vital. However I also think that we have to be able to admit at times that we don't quite know what we want and be able to communicate this without being made to feel we are somehow not insightful into said selves. On the other hand at times we might think we know what we want and be able to lay down ground rules but even then, with a bit of time and experience things change, various emotions emerge and surprise us.
I sometimes find it tricky to communicate with myself and work out what I really want or do I want different things at different times and some of them mutually incompatible - am I hopelessly immature that I cannot arrive at a complete state of self knowledge. Given this flexible sense of self keeping others up to speed with who or what I am is a challenge. Sometimes I think all I can do is be as truthful as I can and others simply have to take their chances.
Most people find honesty tricky - confronting truth can be hard - particularly when you're trying to be honest with yourself. But if we can't be true to who we are, what we want, what hope have we in love, sex, life, whatever?
I think us chicks will go with the FWB routine, because if you can't have them all, have them a little then ey? Aside from all that. I need to trust and have serious passion for the person I'm bonking, good looks doesn't cut it for me. So who wants to be my FWB 32, strong built male with good typing skills who is so detached from reality that I make a good FWB as I have no real connection with anything apart from myself. I've tried the eff-buddy situation a couple of times - both times failed.
One time was my fault - I got attached. The other time, I guess was my fault as well - he got attached. Granted, this all happened when I was much younger, but I think, in order for a friend-with-benefits thing to work: I had a FWB relationship for about a year, it was at least once weekly and we were very close friends - however one evening he told me he was falling in love.
Sigh, that was the end of that I did not have true feelings for him and couldn't continue knowing that. Shame, it was fantastic! Most are just friend friends. Some you develop close friendships - and, well, the drama, timidity, conceptions of youth are for the youth.
Without the hunt, open honest friendships happen, sex likes and interests often become a topic, and a happening. Which are often more adventurous than in the younger. Life is for enjoy. There is no shame, nor need for embaracement for enjoying sex. It is a natural human emotion. To enjoy it, want it, well, because you do.
Agree, under 40's, friendships can and do go sour. Over 40 you've often settled into your life, as you like it. None of my close friends have any qualms at anytime saying they want! Or simply going for it. A quick question if I may. What is the most important factor here, sex, companionship, company, any thing else become a relationship of sorts.
I think things like companionship and company are relationships of sorts - there are feelings involved with these - if not, then that person should see a therapist. I recall reeling ripped off when a friend of a friend just wanted to dance and pash me one night. Not because we didn't end up having sex but because I felt like I was only good for the moment.
It was really a strange sensation of being used. Friends with benefits is not a place I ever want to be. Seems much like an extension of the one-nighter for mine. I have enjoyed many of the comments under this topic. I find myself agreeing with SAF in three important areas I'd go further and add These are so very important in any relationship In the 12 years since my divorce, the casual sex or FWB relationships have had a lot to do with who I was, and who the lady was, at that point in our lives when we connected.
I have learned more about myself, and who I am at this point in my life during the last 6 weeks or so since a year long friendship has become much more so My interaction with this woman I'll put my faith in being flexible enough to appreciate what is happening because of each of us being who we are. To me personally, doing casual is about as far from liberating as it gets - does absolutely nothing for me. It is calender age. Over 40 many have had the true love and bits, have no desire for another.
Have developed interests and lifestyle, have no desire to have it disrupted. Only years gives you this. Humans were not designed to be alone, a close friend fits.
Of course friends are almost as close as a relationship - but with who can relax, be self, honestly, no strings or judgements. No hunt, guarded and drama. People, all people, get randy, anytime anywhere, any reason. Be dead if they didn't. Of course having sex with a friend there is an attachment.
Different to a romantic one. But still an intimate knowing one. All physical is fine. Romance in the back of you mind going into it a different number. Can guide anything into romance.
With a friend, who you know as a person, interests happen that perhaps wouldn't with others. There is still a caring, which you don't get with a casual. With a friend you would normaly know if it could swing attachment. You simply don't go there. Definately under 40's, FWB easily go sour.
Many over 40's are long lasting and enjoyable. Comunication is not worth mention. They would not get to be a friend if you didn't. Those over 40's, different wants, different place in life.
Only years gives it. Nothing to do with maturity. Another stimulating topic from CityKat, thoroughly look forward to each new instalment. The mistress of intelectual foreplay I have tried the "friends with benefits," approach. I must admit it was fun but it did play with my mind.
I knew this lady was looking for a relationship and at the time so was I, but we where unsuited to each other. My thoughts were always, "am I holding her back from finding what she really wants? Neither of us wanted anything more from each other except to scratch the itch, but we did develop a concern over our actions.
I find sex with emotional attachment so much better than without it. However now that I am not keen on a relationship just now been there too recently times, got the scars to prove it it might be the good doctor's orders. However would I still think "I'm holding this lady back? I don't think it can ever last for long as usually someone will get a bit too attached. I don't think that such people can really be good friends - it is better if there is very minimal emotional connection Personally most of the people I have been with I considered to just be F'Buddies but realised later that they thought differntly and probably didn't feel too fantastic when I blissfully bounded onto the next guy that took my fancy never more than one guy on the go at a time.
I suspect for men the attitude that women just after a bit of fun with none of the emotional and needy crap that can come with relationships for some people anyway can make the woman seem very irresitable and like the perfect woman - so they can tend to get hooked and the possibly hurt. Well CK I have bad news for your friends. Someone always seems to get over attached in the end and it turns out messy and painful for both of you. Not what you were looking for.
Though if your friends are looking short term, like 2 to 3 encounters then go on the net. There are plenty of non sleazy places that cater to their needs.
Count me out when it comes to casual sex with friends I will excuse drunk and in the party mood - as long as it's just once. You can never look at your friend in exactly the same way again, and I would rather leave things as they are. Casual sex with people you don't know - now that's a different thing altogether.
That's something we could do freely nowadays, if we wanted. However, not everything is equal. Still a man sets off into town on a Friday evening thinking "I hope I can get laid tonight.
Anyone would do, provided they are not completely diseased or falling to bits. She gets all dressed up for hunting, and then sits around and waits to be snared. Anyone will do, provided he is not too old, too young, too fat, too tall, too short, blonde, dark, simple, sophisticated, etc etc. In short, it's not a matter of 'just anyone'. There are very detailed but unspoken selection criteria, and why not? In practice we are back at the start of the old mating game, with men courting women.
It was never easy for either side but now there is a wild card on the table. Frequent easy and unfettered sex is quickly available every night - from other men.
I often wonder if this convergence of desire drives much of the gay scene It is amazing simple, not at all complicated. There are friends, and there are aquantances. And pickups who are not even neither. Friends are normaly for a long time, and usualy you share common interests. People you feel comfortable, relaxed with. Sometimes, but not always, share sexual interests.
Sometimes it goes beyond talking, or not. Casual sex, a bit empty and devoid. I would not describe my friends like that. That to have no empathy with your friends. Sure, you can have friends that started off on a sexual basis. Perhaps where the years, maturity irrelevant, come in. No reason not to have friends. And with friends you have a closish intimate relationship surely.
Where in the book does it say no caring closness may happen. How much short actualy is a friendship to a relationship. I, as I know of others, have very close friendships that are not relationships. For a variety of reasons. With calender years you tend to grow out of that. Same with sex largely. No need for manipulation nor hangups. If you like someone enough to go intimately intimate, why not. If you don't, why would you. That you may feel cheap. Or you may just enjoy being with someone you enjoy being with.
Sed, guess we differ again. Know her daily whos whys whats and whens as well as she does. But very definately a casual friend. When she is not wandering the world, and we meet up, here, or there, Perth or wherever, definatly quite up from casual, even liberating. When we actualy first met, very friendly intro hug. And she never did call stop at this point.
Neither actualy did I. But of course, we did break for a lot of friend stuff between. Should she ever slow down and domicile, perhaps too I slow down, and relocate.
We've even talked of traveling together. Could even be regular friends. Not too dissimilar another, could only be very close friends. And when our interests give us extended time together.
We could never go relationship. She is too vicious feminazy. But likes it a lot. She is bi, lives with another woman. Perhaps, what is casual. And how close is casual.
How do you rate a friend. If you have not a friend, be a lonely life. Should they be of opposite sex, a bit of balance, an understanding. And while women tend to be quite strange, we learn to make allowances and understanding. One should not be guilty of sexartheid.
On my personal front though, I can't see the point of sleeping with my friends, because it makes it pretty hard to explain if I finally found the guy I'm hoping to meet - would it be fair on him if every friend I have knows me very intimately - to me personally this would not be fair on him - I guess I'm loyal before the fact, silly I know, but I can't help it.
Just who I am. I'm pretty baggage-free, and don't want a past that'll catch up with me eventually,and ruin what good things may transpire in my future I guess. Maybe I've got issues therein?? Sed, do not get me wrong here. I have a pretty active life, meet a lot of diverse people, some become close friends.
And the number we have sex, is few. What is your motivation for sex. Is it a motivation for everything. Know it will throw confusion, but. I know many friends very intimately, as friends do. Some even nakedly but not sexualy. The way you talk with your friends. Love life things, and all. Quite possibly we talk very personal stuff, as no doubt you do with your girl friends.
As with friends, it is between us only. The plus is the different perspective. With friends, you are not in a relationship.
There is nothing to get hung on. I know where you're coming from, true. When you get older, you hardly expect anyone to have had few sexual encounters. Indeed, would wonder if they had few. And precisely what concern is it of yours, you weren't in it.
You are in love with the person now in front of you, - Not really sure how you cheat on a partner you don't have. As you know, to make love, is something else.
You know when you find it. One should have close friends of opposite sex. Gives balance and understanding. Hinders petty narrowmindedness Sex - no rules. Neither sacred nor taboo. Value and respect friends dearly. Let me throw out a few things to think about: Is it better to commence a FWB relationship with existing friends or seek out new friends? Ageee with Jacqueline George that you could just not have the same relationship with existing friends after the fact 2.
Is it acceptable to have multiple FWB at the same time? Surley the concept of casual sex must imply that it is not exclusive. Both males and femails will get emotionally involved after time, it is just how we are wired So it then brings up the question of how long do you maintain a casual sex relationship? Where does it move from being a "fling" to a real thing? Yes I to have an arrangement of friends with benifts.
I have told them that I would not like it if they were to go with some body other then me. So i gave them the option of either ending it with me or agreeing to not see other people.
I have noticed also with them that if i go out they allways asked what did i do and who with, then they tag on the end of it, but it dosen't worry me. Yea right so why are you saying it?
I really think it can be done without some kind of attactment. We have been doing thid for 7 months now, i didn't think it would go that long. It can and has worked for years well atleast for me. So perhaps one must first discover the person they like to play under the covers with and focus on simply that. I have noticed over the years sex had become a routine work out when in actual fact its uncomplicated fun.. The truth of the matter here is dont take the fun out of sex and a relationship might have a chance..
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