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It depends on the mutual availability and whether both of you are still interested in pursuing this rendezvous. You Can Save Money: Those gifts and dinners and gas that you're spending your hard earned money on can go straight into your wallet because you don't get to spend any of it. Obviously, maybe a little bit of gas if you need to get to your fuckbuddy's place, but you can always swap places, so that evens out. You can skip the shallow talk about trying to get to know someone when all you want is in their pants No need to try and find things you have in common or any similarities when in reality you can just get down to business the second you guys are alone.

Obviously, you might want to put effort into your physical appearance and personal hygiene to keep a fuck buddy, but not the kind of energy you need to maintain a serious relationship.

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His research focuses on attachment , well-being, health , relationship attitudes and beliefs, and the role of media influence on social identity in young adults. He's also a regular contributor to the web page Science of Relationships read his articles here. Holmes is available for media interviews, expert commentary, or consulting. Men just does it for pleasure, nothing more or less - unless they are in love with you.

It really bothers you that women are as disgutsing as men you try to rationalize it. Women like you destroyed the pedastal. Your hypocrisy is flat out but that is what's best for an incompetent. You think every women is virgin perfect but men are bottom of the barrel. The original article was writteb by a woman. Why did this miss your attention? As many holes in your words as your head. People like YOU are the reason for the heightened war.

Pleasure can be many things to a woman, it's not just about orgasms. Playfulness and humor count for a lot. That's why flirting can be so powerful, foreplay can be a mind game in the best possible way. Casual sex can speak volumes on someone's sense of self worth and their ability to surrender and be vulnerable with someone else.

When we are able to look outside our own paradigms and see the other person for who and what they offer as the other person in the relationship. Casual sex has no other person--as people who engage in this behavior just want the appendage or orifice so they can temporarily feel fulfilled. You are right in saying that his work focuses on helping people achieve relational bliss, sexual bliss naturally follows when you are able to truly hear, appreciate, and respect another person's gifts.

The pleasure derived from these sexual encounters build upon years of foreplay, of problem-solving together, and of growing and nurturing similar and varied interests. I would even argue, for men especially, when they choose to pursue this kind of intimate relationship there comes a point when he is more aroused, and achieves heightened pleasure, because he is able to make his partner blissfully happy.

He also knows in a healthy committed relationship that the favor will unquestionably be returned a multitude of times--and the focus for both partners is on pleasuring the other person, based on what they like.

Not their own needs. They know unconditionally their needs will be met. In a society that right now is focused on external validation, there are some people who desire to connect to others as deeply as possible.

However, we are flooded with a me-centered whats-in-it-for-me paradigm, and it is adversely affecting people's quality of life, because people lack relational skills and don't know there is something much greater to be had when you're able to have quality relationships. My question is why do you believe this research is important, when what we may be in need of is how people can be less self-absorbed and narcissistic and more capable of genuine depth of feelings for others so we don't have broken families--the most hurting are perhaps the fathers and mothers, and then their incapability to give unconditional love to their children so they may thrive in life, not just be resilient.

The good news is gender and emotional intelligence are skills that people can learn to cope better with change and how they interact with others. To do this you have to first know your perceptions are biased. You view the world through a lens, if you can get beyond that and then listen and actually hear what others are communicating to you through their own dialect--then you are able to experience giving and receiving unconditional love.

Casual sex seems to be a false facade of intimacy, and the pleasure derived from that whether you are a male or female is one dimensional as well. I agree with Shanik that pleasure is much more than reaching orgasm in a sexual encounter--both for men and women. However, if someone man or woman hasn't experienced long-term romance with a committed partner, then they do not know what they are missing or that pleasure is heightened by being able not only to connect physically, but emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually as well.

Thank you for the comment. While I agree with much of what you say about being less self-absorbed and learning to understand how others think through increased emotional intelligence skills I don't agree when it comes to the gender differences!! We relationship researchers and the scientific community have an open call-out and invitation any day to John Gray or anyone else that pushes the "differences" in gender as a basis for understanding each other better.

Exactly on what empirical peer-reviewed research evidence is this based on? We would love to have Dr. Gray come out and back up some of the claims he makes! What research are his profound ideas based on? To the contrary, while there are some gender differences for sure, the idea that men and women are inherently different in how they think about relationships, what their needs are, and how they communicate simply does not hold up to science and in many ways contradicts much of relationship science!

Gender does predict some things, but to a much less degree than other important explanations such as emotional intelligence, personality traits, relationships beliefs, and attachment styles! Gray's work is so appealing and that people feel it works for them is probably that it feeds so nicely in to stereotypes about about gender and gender roles However, the claims made have no basis in science and in our opinion is simply bad advice.

Gray know that "times-are-a-changing'" as relationship scientists decide finally to speak up when we see bad advice, and that the next decade will see relationship scientists finally begin to occupy the much needed space of providing relationship advice based on empirically based evidence!

As a good example of a start on this, please read and feel free to have Dr. Gray directly respond to a recent article on his work written by my colleague Dr. He can post a comment directly on the Science of Relationships page if he wants.

Gray to attend any of our biennial conferences next one is in Chicago in July to respond to the relationship research community on what exact research evidence he is basing his gender differences claims on! I may even be able to work in a key-note address expenses paid. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. While I find the insight in your blog impressive as you describe the casual sex aspects of my sex life exactly I do think you are dismissing John Gray way too soon.

I have been reading John Grays books and watching his speeches for over 15 years. He also has incredible insight. To describe what is right about what you yourself are saying in your blog above I only engage in casual sex with a man when I believe he will be skilled with it.

And you are right that if a man wants to have casual sex with women he should make himself aware of what is required as it is true that she will not be as quickly and easily pleased as he is capable of being. For sure relationships are a good thing but it is also important and I believe healthy to get enough sex when not in a relationship and also maybe a causal sex partner as well as a relationship partner is appropriate with the consent of the relationship partner.

Maybe this paragraph is what you mean by times have changed, though I am not so sure John Gray would completely disagree with what I am saying anyway. Lyndsay Katauskas, Surely the study of human sexuality, one of the most important aspects of our being, needs no defense. Result may conflict with your personal moral values or those of your mentor or employer? I agree that gender differences are not the biggest area for people to focus upon when dealing with relational issues.

It is a stepping off point. I believe all of us are always growing and changing. Increasing your gender intelligence is only one facet of growing in your emotional and developmental maturity. He addresses relationship beliefs, and explains the normal growth and development for people as they grow in maturity. The material focuses on how people can strengthen their relationships, on building up skill sets that helps them cope with the changing dynamics of relationships.

His work appeals to mainstream society, because it is easy to understand and implement the principles regardless of how much or how little you have read of his work. Most people in society do not hold doctorates or masters degrees, and when the research is kept within the parameters of peer-reviewed journals or kept within the confines of treatment by a mental health professional is it to the benefit or detriment of those we all are most wishing to help—the people in the relationships that are asking for guidance, help, tips, and suggestions to make them healthier?

I believe John Gray chose the route he did so that he could affect change on a global level. He has a gift of being able to wade through research to find the common themes throughout. And, when writing his books for the general public you know as well as I do that if it were written in a scholarly format it would lose most people, and turn them off to the help they wish to find.

I invite you to read this article, Creating Passion Once Upon a Honeymoon for further understanding of why Mars Venus material appeals and is effective for a lot of people trying to figure out and increase the health of their relationships on their own. There is a time and place for which writing style we choose to use based on our target audience.

He explains generalities in ways that sits well with people. In no way does his material encourage people to be insular or give them more freedom to be ignorant of the differing needs of their peers, colleagues, close family, or friends.

His material never demeans or claims that his interpretation is the only way to understand or make relationships better. Over and over he says listen to what is right for you, you know your situation, and are ultimately responsible for your actions. If people feel more comfortable receiving treatment from a relationship scientist, then this is where they will go for the information to help their relationships.

It will come down to preference, and where a person feels safe to explore their inner workings. The fallacy can lie in believing only one way is right, or for something to be credible it has to be credentialed. The true test of whether information helps people is determined by how well the information can be internalized and then directly applied to improve their daily quality of life over their lifetime. I believe both your goal and my goal is ultimately to help people have better relationships.

The bottom line is as helping professionals, what are we ALL doing to ensure positive growth in relationships, from the inside-out focusing internally on making our values congruent with our outer world, and then externally in the dynamics of our relationships with others over our lifetime. I appreciate the discourse you have opened up. Seeing that relationship science is in and of itself a relatively new field of study, and the fact that John Gray has been developing his material for over 20 years and is widely popular cross-culturally in the general public; conducting research in this arena by your research scientists would lend credibility to your cause as well.

Try looking at it this way: It is for this reason that I continue to focus mainly on exploring gender differences because it is so sorely missing in the general consciousness of those seeking to improve their relationships. Your long and unlettered argument relies on obfuscation much too heavily.

That is, if one does not become bored and move on to other tasks but perseveres in attempting to understand you, it is not convincing in the slightest. Thank you for concluding with your credentials and verifying what I would have suspected anyways. I can almost hear the jangling of coins in your pocket behind every word.

Yes, you have been paid to defend John Gray and his theories. Your zealotry comes wholesale. I daresay the organically-grown brand of such is higher quality, but it is seldom bought.

If we are deficient in any vitamin, it is a tonic of skepticism and evidence-based reasoning that we are in need of, and not the false salves of anecdotal evidence and broad generalizations that have led the public astray in the past and promise no new insights now. It may be palatable to reinforce sterotypes and lazily reason that things are the way they are because that is how they were meant to be. Nutritionless food tends to be palatable.

In your defense of Dr. You go on to suggest that Dr. Gray is simply communicating research findings in a way that is appealing to laypeople. In fact, our position is quite the opposite. We fully agree with you that it is important for research findings to have mainstream outlets.

Gray were communicating actual research findings, we would applaud his work. Unfortunately, the problem is that Dr. In fact, it contradicts well-established findings on relationship maintenance and relationship well-being. Rather, many of them have been tested and discredited. Finally, I also feel the need to respond to Dr. Speaking as a relationship scientist myself, I can tell you that it is common practice to test for gender effects in every study my colleagues and I run, and I know the same is true of many others in the field.

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